Just about everyone has found themselves at the crossroads in a relationship that's run its course.
Whether it's a marriage, partnership, friendship or even a relationship with a family member, sometimes there's either too much history (or not enough) to warrant staying in them.
That said, knowing when it's time to let go can be hard given that you've shared a bond, confidences, life experiences and perhaps, a home, children, pets and finances.
Even trickier? Knowing how to end a relationship, especially if the feeling that it's over isn't mutual.
It explains why so many of us stay in relationships long after we've realized we're no longer happy in them. We simply don't know how to move on without conflict or leaving emotional damage in the process.
There's no way around it: It's uncomfortable to put an end to things. Not just for the person we're cutting ties with, but for us as well.
"It can be a little bit scary," Jessica Ashley, certified divorce coach at Divorce Coach for Moms, tells TODAY.com. "We can be afraid of being alone. We can be afraid of not having friends. We can be afraid of being that person who walked away from the friend group."
Ultimately, the decision to move on boils down to asking ourselves the tough question: Is this relationship working for me?
We asked the experts to weigh in on reasons why you should end a relationship and for advice on the best ways to do it.
When to end a relationship
Without question, if the relationship is toxic, harmful or abusive in any way, you should remove yourself as soon as possible.
"If there's the slightest element of being afraid of the person or you're wondering how he might react when you tell him you're breaking up, don't do it alone," Lundy Bancroft, domestic abuse consultant and author of "Should I Stay or Should I Go," tells TODAY.com.
Even if there isn't a history of physical abuse, if you feel threatened or intimidated, Bancroft says you shouldn't worry about finding the right words or being nice.
Instead, tell the other person either over the phone, via text or in a public setting. "You have both the right and the need to put your own safety first," he says.
While being in an abusive relationship of any kind is a clear sign that you need to leave, there are other relationship red flags to watch out for and though they may not necessarily warrant an immediate breakup, they should at least encourage you to better understand why you're sticking around.
Your boundaries aren't respected
Ah, boundaries. We all have them and for good reason. They're the limits we set for ourselves and others that help us feel safe and comfortable as we move through life.
If your friends, family and significant others routinely cross the line, then it's a problem.
An example: Someone brings up a topic that's uncomfortable or painful for you, and you say that it's something you'd rather not talk about it.
"Does that get respected or do they start acting affronted that you aren't willing to talk about it," Bancroft asks.
Because if they continually seem victimized or hurt by whatever boundaries you've asserted instead of honoring them, Bancroft says it's a sign that "you need to significantly reduce what role this person plays in your life."
You feel criticized
It's easy to spot a put-down or blatant criticism. If it's a regular occurrence in your relationship, then it's a definite red flag.
Sometimes it's not so obvious.
"[People] don't exactly feel criticized — not openly — but they keep feeling like they've somehow been made to feel slightly less or they keep having to prove themselves," he says.
"I find people have a hard time articulating what has happened in those interactions, they can't quite put it into words."
In those situations, Bancroft says it's less about identifying what exactly is making you feel bad, but rather that you are feeling bad about whatever's going on.
"You can back off from a relationship even when you can't put into words exactly what the problem is."
Your trust is betrayed
You know that old adage, "Loose lips sink ships"? Well, betraying someone's confidence is a big no-no.
Unfortunately, it happens to the best of us. If and when it occurs, it's important to take ownership of the mistake, offer a sincere apology and do your best to ensure it doesn't happen again.
Keeping someone's confidence also means that you don't use information they've shared against them.
"If confidences that you share with someone are leading to bad things, that's another reason to back off from the relationship," Bancroft says.
"That can mean either they're not keeping confidences or you end up being hurt later by comments that they make to you about something that you opened up to them about weeks or months ago and it's coming back in a way that doesn't feel good."
You feel out of control
It's tiresome to feel like your opinion doesn't matter.
"The person who's got a controlling style always has an excuse for everything," Bancroft says. As he puts it, controllers often think they know what's best for you or are trying to "help you," but in reality, they aren't listening to you or taking your needs into account.
"It comes up in our friendships and it comes up in our partner relationships," Bancroft says. "Control patterns exists in different styles and for different reasons, but we're not obligated to live with that."
How to end a relationship
When evaluating a relationship, keep in mind that over time, people change — and so do their circumstances
"People are allowed to grow and change and they're allowed to change their minds," Ashley says, adding that a normal part of that growth is reexamining the relationships in our circle.
When those relationships come to an end, she says to not look at losing them as a failure, but rather as opportunity.
"When somebody pulls away from that circle or we consciously move someone out of that circle, that there is a place open for new people or activities to enter," Ashley says.
That said, if it's time for you to move on, here are steps you can take to make the process as seamless as possible.
Take a pause
If you feel the relationship's run its course but aren't ready to throw in the towel, take a pause to get perspective.
While you don't want to "ghost" someone per se, Ashley says it's OK to take a break if you feel vulnerable, overwhelmed, emotionally unsafe or unable to engage in a direct conversation.
"There are all kinds of really good reasons why people ghost and I think we demonize it when sometimes it's a self-protective measure," she says. "Sometimes we just have to walk away."
In most cases, honestly is the best policy, so being direct about your feelings puts both of you on the same page.
If you're pausing a friendship, Ashley suggests saying something like, "We've been friends for a really long time. I need to take a pause because there are some things in my own life that need to be addressed. I will circle back when I'm in a better place."
According to Bancroft, the break can serve as a "trial run" to experience what your life would be like without that person in it.
"Can I live without this relationship? Am I a terrible person if I refuse to have anything to do with this other person anymore, even if they treat me badly," Bancroft asks.
How the person responds is telling. Ask yourself: Do they respect your wishes or carry on like nothing happened?
Be direct
However you decide to proceed, remember that clear is kind.
"I ask my clients to practice being very concise," Ashley says."If you are feeling clarity and calm and confidence that this is what you need in your life right now, be very concise with the words that you choose."
Being completely honest can be a struggle, which is why Ashley suggests building up to the conversation by learning to say "no" in other areas of your life first.
"That might be choosing to say 'no' to attending that meeting, saying 'no' to the clothes that are too tight. Saying 'no' to the very small things throughout our day that can help us build the muscle, confidence and clarity that we need in order to say, 'No, I no longer invite you into the close circle of my life,'" Ashley says.
Bancroft says that it's not always necessary to be blunt about the exact reasons why you need to cut ties.
In lieu of a confrontation, he says it's perfectly acceptable to say things like, "I can't seem to be in this relationship without losing myself" or "There are things I really have to think about how I am in this friendship or relationship."
The most important thing, according to Bancroft, is to be clear about what you want. He suggests saying something along the lines of "I really need to be out of touch, completely out of touch for a while and I need you to respect that."
While it's not easy, it's necessary for us to move forward in a way that honors our own feelings and needs.
"We should be people who are growing and getting to be more and more ourselves over time and this often requires that we leave or redefine the relationships we have," Ashley says.
"If we can affirm for ourselves there's not a failure here, we are changing, and that can open up the creative possibility for what our life is becoming."
